Title: Wanted: A Movie Review
Category: confused
Blog Entry: I think Angelina Jolie’s career can be divided into two categories: “Chicks with guns”, and “Movies that no one saw”.
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I hear that she turned down the starring role in “Pretty Woman” because the hookers didn’t carry an Uzi.
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Fortunately for us, she’s not only packing some serious heat in “Wanted”, she also has a lot of tattoos.
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What a bad girl.
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“Wanted” is based on a comic book I hear. I hope the comic book was called “The Matrix” because as far as I can tell there’s a wee bit of homage going on here(that's the French word for “rip off”).
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Wesley Gibson’s life is in a rut. His life has no meaning and he spends his days in a tiny cubicle taking abuse from his boss while his girlfriend screws his co-worker.
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Everything changes one day when Wesley is saved from an assassin while filling out a prescription for anti-anxiety medicine (take the blue pill Neo!!!).
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His life is never the same.
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You see, Wesley never knew his dad, but on the day that his father is killed by a traitor, the secret organization to which he belonged shows up to inform him that he has “special powers.”
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Ok, maybe the movie is more like “Harry Potter.”
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Anyway, here’s where the movie becomes funnier than a naked Will Ferrel scene.
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This secret group of Assassins is known as “The Fraternity” (I guess “McKillers” was a bit too obvious) and they live in an inconspicuous castle in the middle of Chicago.
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You heard me... (sigh)
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Wanting to offset their carbon footprint (gunfire gives off a lot of smoke) they ride around on the tops of trains a lot shooting people through windows.
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Clearly the bad people aren’t profiting enough to get an office located above the third floor and away from the subway but that’s neither here nor there.
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“The Fraternity” likes to shoot people with untraceable bullets, but I’m having a bit of a problem with that term.
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To me untraceable means that the bullet explodes or melts. To the Fraternity, untraceable means a bullet with more gears than Big Ben and intricate carvings on the outside that would make a Bill Reid jewelry box look like a Pez dispenser.
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Maybe if you smear it with some DNA you’ll overwhelm the FBI computers with data and they’ll just give up trying to find you.
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Why stop there? You shoot fancy bullets while riding on top of a subway and you hide out in the only castle in Chicago. I say you should kill people without wearing any pants too. Maybe add a rainbow afro wig to the ensemble.
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This must be like reverse psychology.
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The more obvious is it that you’re a trained assassin, the easier it is to hide in plain view.
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I say that they should have called themselves the “Robert Blakes” (I’m giving OJ the week off. I’ll start slandering him again on Monday).
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Hang on, I’m only getting started.
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Do you want to know where they get their orders from?
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It seems that “The Fraternity” are an ancient order of “weavers” and they’ve built a magic loom that spits out a secret code embedded in cloth.
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Want to know who to kill? Grab a magnifying glass and look at a facecloth!!
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I used that excuse when my wife caught me wearing her underwear on my head.
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“I was... er… just catching up on some reading dear!!
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As Wesley begins his training, he gets the crap beaten out of him by guys with names like “The Fixer” or “The Butcher.”
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Never call an assassin “Carl”… they hate that.
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In between stabbings and beatings, Wesley (who I guess will get a name like “The Telemarketer” when he graduates) heals his wounds in bath of molten wax.
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They never mention it, but I’m pretty sure that all of these killers have genitals like a porn star.
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I’m thinking that body hair has a shelf life of ten milliseconds after they chisel your naked ass out of a giant candle.
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Ouch!!
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But listen, this is a movie in which a Dodge Viper is outrun by a delivery van filled with cat foot (and the American auto industry wonders why it’s in trouble).
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The only thing this movie ever had going for it was Angelina, and she’s looking a bit haggard in this film.
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Angie, baby… you need to gain some weight. Trained assassins need to look more like “Sarah Conner” from T2, and a lot less like Lindsey Lohan drinking Jaggermeister shooters in the SlimFast aisle.
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Two stars out of five.
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